Mysterious Musings: Entry 2 Pain on the Spiritual Path
“what you seek is seeking you”
hello beautiful souls, Alex here. I’m so grateful & humbled to be able to share the second installment of this series with you. Over the short time of the Moondust journey, Jas and I have shared a sacred kinship with these stories as they are the guide posts that enable us to keep going. With that I’m so excited to share with you all this week’s Mysterious Musings from a beautiful soul who so bravely wanted to share with us.
Embracing Darkness: Bliss connected to Pain
I am definitely awake. It took years and years to accept everything and step into the light but I am.
I had buried my pain so deep that it took a while to understand and accept what had happened and how my innocence was taken from me at a young age. Sexual assault isn’t something you understand when you’re 10/11. I buried it for over 10 years and then one day it all boiled over and I realized what it was and what happened. I pushed my then boyfriend off me and screamed and cried. It felt like days but it was really minutes as everything sort of hit me at once.
I was so disgusted by it I pretended for months that it didn’t happened. Whenever it snuck into my head I told myself my mind was lying to me. I came home from college and spent a summer figuring out my life and if it truly happened. I cut off most of my family and I worked my ass off nannying, and when I wasn’t nannying I was so lost in thought I hardly spoke to anyone.
When I accepted it and realized what it was I decided to get help. I knew the first thing I had to do was talk about my pain and torture and how it had influence my life the last 10+ years. Through therapy I was able to realize what happened wasn’t my fault. A 10/11 year old doesn’t understand sexual assault. A 10/11 year old doesn’t understand when an elder says be quiet and don’t tell your parents, you don’t need to listen.
I often wondered if I had someone to talk to who wasn’t close to my attacker if I would have told them what had happened to me around the time. So I started working with 6th grade girls. I think working with them and helping them deal with things going on in their life also helped me go back to what my life was like back then and let me become more open.
I have since been able to open up more and describe my story to other people and my family. I’ve been able to use what happened to me and my pain for the good now. I’ve talked with other survivors of the same trauma and talk to the girls I lead about not staying quiet.
“I knew the first thing I had to do was talk about my pain and torture”
I took the pain and emotion behind everything and used it with food controls. Whether it was binge eating or causing myself to throw up it was all related to that. But at the same time it transformed me. It was something I could talk to other girls about, which caused me to realize what the pain actually was.
It was something I’ve been able to take and discuss for the good. The teenage generation is so incredibly different from when I was their age. The problems they deal with are far beyond what I dealt with at their age. I’ve been able to use my issues with food as something to talk to them about. So many of them have dealt with not eating, vomiting, or bing eating.
In a strange way this thing that effected me and I hid from for years and years has helped me help others and that’s something that has always helped me grow.
“When I first came out of the darkness it was a mixture of relief and regret. ”
I let the pain swallow me up into darkness. I spent close to 10 years in a deep depressive state not knowing how to move on, not letting people in, just letting it be me and my darkness.
When I first came out of the darkness it was a mixture of relief and regret. I was happy I could finally say it out loud to people and it was this giant secret but also regret I waited so long. I wondered if I would have talked about my assault earlier, could I have saved someone. At first I let myself wallow in that pity but I told myself I couldn’t stay in that for long.
My pain is now a strength because I’m changing lives with it. I’ve taken the darkness and turned it into a light, and I’ve passed that light to other people.